All Hail General Lois Lerner

Lerner Crossing Euphrades, comp6

–March 3, 2015–

Do you hear the drums beating, rumpity-thump dump dump? Nearer, louder, incessant, rumpity-thump, do you hear the growing clamor that ISIS is an evil that must be stopped? Those are war drums beating. They are rousing us, calling us to another ground war in Mesopotamia.

Right now, President Obama is selectively deaf, he’s not buying it. He chooses to hear neither drums nor full orchestras over the applause from his Nobel Peace Prize ceremony still ringing in his ears.

But that may not last, as it may be impossible for Obama to remain deaf when ISIS web-broadcasts in HD more videos of its outrageous savageness. Christian women and children by the scores gunned down in open trench-graves. Eight-year-old girls paraded across the stocks in slave auctions. New York Times and UK Guardian journalists set afire in circus animal cages. GIs and Marines blown to pieces during Spring Jubilee sock hops in the USOs in Kuwait City and Qatar.

Watch out, ISIS, hold off on the atrocity videos for another twenty-three months, until Obama turns the presidency over to another. You amplify those drumbeats, ISIS, by ramping up your bloody PR campaign, and you bring Obama into the fight, you’ll be dealing with a fellow who brings a gun to a knife fight. You’ll be dealing with a shark-skin-suited chap who, when his name’s attached, will give you no quarter.

Put the name Obama’s War to the coming military engagement, and Obama’s not dumb enough to leave the fighting to the generals. Not the weak-kneed, neutered, star-chasing, apple-polishing yes-men obsessed with political correctness and Girl Scout rules of engagement. Not the soft-palmed warrior princes who fret like fishwives over bringing even a dull letter opener to a knife fight, never mind a gun.

Forget the generals. As Bush put career-diplomat Paul Bremer in command of Iraq after the initial rout in 2003, Obama should put former career-bureaucrat Lois Lerner in command of his war. The difference: Bremer was an Ivy League pantywaist, while Lerner is an IRS thug.

Lerner won’t bring a gun to a knife fight; she’ll bring a bazooka. Backed with a platoon of Abrams tanks just around the corner. She’s a take-no-prisoners gal, and, more importantly, she’s not looking for another star nor does she give a damn what anyone thinks of her.

First thing in a Lois Lerner-commanded war, there’ll be no journalists allowed. Anywhere. Not behind the lines with the brass, not in the chow lines with the troops, not on the other side of the frontline with the jihadists. In short, there’ll be no friendly-forces videotape of the extreme violence and death that a Lerner war will deal upon the enemy. Not even a single screen-capture frame of very real war crimes.

As for video news footage from the enemy’s side, there’ll be none of that either, because any journalists encamped with ISIS will be immolated in flames right alongside the jihadists, as entire towns and cities are razed in the full-scale dragon-romp land and air campaign waged as war should be waged.

Lerner’s no fool. She knows that one emailed snapshot of a playful little Abu Ghraib detainee pyramid and one magazine article falsely reporting Marines wasting civilians in Haditha can bring a war to a screeching defeat, as the public back home reels from its own guilt and shame. Lois Lerner knows no guilt and shame.

In her war there will be no rules of engagement other than one simple command, “Engage!” If you’re ISIS, she will kill you. If you’re harboring ISIS, she will kill you. If you’re standing near ISIS, she will kill you. There will be no one left alive, neither jihadists nor collateral “innocent” civilians. Only smoke will rise from the rubble. The ground will be sown with Agent Orange.

The few Western journalists who manage to enter the kill zone post-vanquishing will not return. Nor be heard from. Those stateside who dare to challenge Lerner will meet stone-faced Fifth Amendment silence.

Yes, Lerner has read Gil Merom’s seminal work How Democracies Lose Small Wars and has taken the lessons to heart (beginning with a need for a complete media blackout), and thus she will not fall into that trap of losing.

In three weeks, a month max, Lois Lerner will return stateside a conquering hero, cheered in tickertape parades. And you know what? She won’t give a good damn one way or the other. Because she would have done it not for you or me or for America. She would have done it only for Obama, solely for him.

Yes, with the ever louder ever more persistent rumpity-thump dump dump assaulting him, Obama would have determined that the war was just, and Lois Lerner would have waged it. In the manner that a soldier, from private to four-star, should wage it. To win. Fairly or unfairly, bazookas against switchblades. Flamethrowers against Zippos.

Hail Lois Lerner! Oh, that our commanding generals should fight with her ruthlessness and grit!

Or not fight at all.





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