(August 8, 2015. This column below posted on Hit the Woodline satire blog.)
Washington, D.C. – The drama was as heavy as a poop-laden Pampers yesterday afternoon in the White House during President Obama’s press conference when D.C. Fire & Rescue was called in and had to employ the Jaws of Life to extract a half-dozen correspondents from the president’s rectum.
“It was a close call,” sighed White House surgeon, First Lieutenant Quentin “Duckie” Kwackson. “I thought we were going to lose the president. It’s not unusual for one or two reporters to crawl up the president’s butt during a presser, and we keep a close eye on that. But when six of them all at one time fight for position in there, well, that many big heads in one tight space, that can be an explosive situation.”
The nasty turn of events began when CBS chief White House correspondent Major Garrett flung himself headlong toward Obama’s posterior. It had been at a press conference only a few weeks ago that a snarky Obama had called Garrett on the carpet for some tough old-school grilling Garrett shamefully engaged in. Berated and scorned afterwards on TV and in print universally by his fellow reporters, Garrett was determined to stay out of Obama’s woodshed this time and avoid a blistered rear end. Called upon first to interrogate the president, he immediately thrust himself docilely right up the president’s lower duodenum.
Not to be left behind, ABC’s Jonathan Karl was quick to start the scramble to join Garrett, with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, NBC’s Andrea Mitchell and the Associated Press’ Julie Pace close behind, and ending with Washington Post scribe Dana Milbank squeezing his head in like a greased bowling ball through a mail slot.
Slow on his feet and left out of the fray was Fox News’ Ed Henry, who later whined, “The president never calls on Fox News for anything. It’s not fair.” He was quick to stress, “I’m going to sit myself up closer next time and get a jump on the others.”
White House spokesman Josh Earnest was effusive in his praise for the Rescue Squad. “Those firemen fellas weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. They jimmied in that Jaws of Life like a seasoned proctologist extracting deep-impacted Ben Wa balls.”
When further queried about the president’s injuries and hoped for recovery, Earnest quipped that Obama, being rather svelte and thin-reared, felt somewhat pinched accommodating all six reporters’ bulbous craniums at one time. Earnest ensured an anxious America that Dr. Kwackson has prescribed the president a 48-hour exercise regimen to heal and repair. “The priority is basketball, golf, shuffleboard, Frisbee and Twister twenty-four/seven,” Earnest said. “The president at no time in the next two days is to sit down.”
If there was a downside to the event, as editorialized by Anderson Cooper on his renowned evening newscast, the soiled reporters were not allowed to hose themselves off in the Rose Garden. Always presenting himself neatly immaculate, well-groomed and spiffy, Cooper was miffed at the slight. “Golly, the hose was right out there lying uncoiled on the grass,” he told his audience, his voice cracking with emotion. “Do you know how demeaning it feels to walk out in public onto Pennsylvania Avenue with poop all over your face and shirt and encrusted in your hair?”
“They should be proud,” tweeted Earnest in response to Cooper’s bellyaching. “It’s a select elite few, as White House correspondents, who get to go where no man goes.”
Over on NBC, Andrea Mitchell, never one to hide her enchantment with Obama from both inside and out, appeared on camera makeup-free, stained clumpy brown, gushing “I am never ever again going to wash my head.”
“That’s our gal!” tweeted Earnest.