Ranger Tab Redesign in the Works

–August 19, 2015–

THE PENTAGON, WASHINGTON D.C.  –  Like it or not, girls have invaded the once all-boy domain of Army Ranger School, and the first two female soldiers are set to earn their Tab in days.

Yesterday, recognizing that reality, grabbing the bull by the tail and facing the stinky situation, Army Chief of Staff General Milburn Milley announced a sensible rethinking of the coveted Ranger Tab. (The photo above shows the present design for the various duty and dress uniforms.)

In a standing-room-only press conference, the 4-star general was quick to ensure that the basic design of the Ranger Tab, sanctified since the elite unit’s birth in World War Two, would remain the same. But the troops themselves would be allowed slight modifications to suit these changing times, General Milley expounded. “Change is inevitable and welcome when men are no longer just men and women are just as much men as men, and men, if they so choose, can be more women than women.”

Historically, for years Rangers have been modifying their individual Tabs to enhance their own inflated hubris and macho braggadocio. The prime example is Rangers sewing their Tabs onto their uniforms with white thread to advertise that they made it through the course in wintertime, when it’s considered most challenging, when weakened candidates often die of hypothermia, frostbite, whooping cough and razor burn.

Symbolizing snow, white thread indicates the pride of "Winter" Rangers.
Symbolizing snow, white thread indicates the pride of “Winter” Rangers.

In like fashion, General Milley made it clear that the new uniform regulations will allow and encourage soldiers, both male and female, to sew their Tabs with pink thread.

Pink thread is to indicate the pride of making it through the course side-by-side butt-to-butt with girls.
Pink thread is to indicate the pride of making it through the course side-by-side butt-to-butt with girls.

In the Army’s new open-door spirit welcoming gays, lesbians, transgenders, necrophiliacs and hemophiliacs, Rangers of all such proclivities will now be allowed and encouraged to use rainbow-colored threads on their Tabs.

Gays are encouraged to use rainbow thread to enhance their pride.
Gays are encouraged to use rainbow thread to enhance their pride.

For the hardcore gay/lesbian political advocates, the new regulations will allow for the application of a rainbow background to enhance the diversity symbolized by the Tab.

Tab sewn atop a rainbow sub-Tab, which will also be available in subtler pastel hues for the camouflage ACUs.
Tab sewn atop a rainbow sub-Tab, which will also be available in subtler pastel hues for the camouflage ACUs.

Never one to leave a proclivity behind, General Milley proudly submitted Tabs specifically for transgender Rangers, who should never be ashamed of the lacy lingerie they wear beneath their starchy uniforms.

Dubbed the "Caitlyn Jenner" Tab, this will be issued to all transgender Rangers who have switched male-to-female.
Dubbed the “Caitlyn Jenner” Tab, this will be issued to all transgender Rangers who have switched male-to-female.
Simply dubbed "Butch", this jock-strap Tab will be for female-to-male transgender Rangers.
Simply dubbed “Butch”, this jock-strap Tab will be for female-to-male transgender Rangers.

Not to be outdone, with women soldiers soon to be entering the Green Beret course, Major General Wayne Johns of SF Command, Fort Bragg, announced that he has directed his Office of Sexual Diversity Compliance to come up with a redesign of the Special Forces Tab. Tentative designs call for replacing the R in FORCES with a pink breast-cancer-awareness ribbon.

In a similar vein, Naval Special Operations Chief, Admiral Boyd Byrd, issued a press release to announce that the SEALs have contracted a Madison Avenue graphic design firm to change their hallowed Trident’s golden eagle to a rainbow hummingbird.

The Commandant of the USMC could not be reached for comment, but rumor has it that Marines worldwide are hoarding rations, stockpiling ammunition and fortifying their camps.


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