–November 17, 2015–
Governors Declare Sanctuary States
Satire by Paul Avallone
BATON ROUGE, LA – At twenty and counting, nearly half the state governors are refusing to take in the thousands of Syrian refugees that President Obama is determined to foist upon their jurisdictions. Led by Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal and Texas’ Greg Abbott, the governors have coalesced in a group that calls itself the Hell No’ers, and they have chosen to emphasize their defiance with their trademarked logo of a giant middle finger.
“The president can bring into this country all the Syrian so-called ‘refugees’ he wants,” says Carlos Fuentes, the group’s non-paid spokesman. “But that doesn’t mean we’ve got to let them take up residence in our states, where they’ll be free to set up jihadist cells—both sleeper and awake. And you know what you get with jihadies crashing through our gates? Havoc wreaked upon our own law-abiding red-blooded American citizens. Does the word P-A-R-I-S ring a bell?”
Critics have been quick to point out that states and their governors have no legal rights when it comes to matters of immigration and refugees. Those are both federal responsibilities, and the president has absolute power in determining who he allows into the country and where he plunks them down.
Hell No’er spokesman Fuentes counters that argument by stressing that the governors will use the president’s own disregard of established federal immigration laws to buttress their own rejection of the incoming Trojan Horse Syrian jihadists. Fuentes is quick to recklessly note with xenophobic glee the unsubstantiated wild guess that 83% of Syrians seeking America’s bountiful welfare benefits are muscular, strapping military-age males, 18 to 26.
“Officially, there are three hundred and forty American cities which have declared themselves sanctuaries for illegal Hispanic invaders,” Fuentes spits with didactic fury. “They ignore and defy all federal immigration law, and the president does nothing, does not prosecute them for defying his Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency [or ICE]. Worse than simply allowing the cities to be sanctuaries, he encourages it. His open-borders policy is an unofficial declaration making the entire United States a Sanctuary Country.”
In turn, the rebellious governors are set to establish their own fiefdoms as Sanctuary States. In a quirky ironic sense, the reverse of Sanctuary Cities, the states will be sanctuaries not for immigrants or refugees, but for their own citizens.
“The families in our states need sanctuary from the untold number of terrorists who we already know are in the majority among these Syrian rabble-rousers,” Fuentes states with the passion of a Tea Party bigot. “Sanctuary from the long, lethal overreach of the federal government and a president who cares more for RPG-wielding Arab Muslims than for regular-Joe bitter Americans who cling to their antique muzzleloaders and what he and his Progressive toadies believe are outdated evangelical religions.”
The Hell No’er governors are prepared to take their case all the way to the Supreme Court if need be. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” spokesman Fuentes says in a nursery-rhyme singsong and a chuckle. “They want to have their Sanctuary Cities, well, we’re going to have our Sanctuary States. And let them put that in their pipes and smoke it.”
With the first batch of 10,000 Syrians due to arrive within days to Louisiana, Texas, Wisconsin Massachusetts, Kansas and states galore, the Hell No’ers are urging their citizens to arm themselves and blockade roads and bridges at their states’ points of entry. Rumors that individual Hell No’er governors have already drawn up National Guard activation orders to deploy armed soldiers along with their citizen vigilantes have not been unconfirmed.
“If the president wants to house them Arab ref-uuuu-gees,” snarls Coast Guard veteran and El Paso I-Hop franchisee Hank Clopper, “let him set up Army GP medium tents on the White House lawn and welcome them all in there. Heck, get a dozen port-a-potties and a mobile chuck wagon, and let his family and the White House staff police up the mess.”
In an unrelated story, guns and ammunition have been flying off the shelves in stores throughout the Hell No’er states.