–December 23, 2015–
An Eminent Doctor Dissects Hillary Clinton’s Urinary Dysfunction
The media had a field day talking about Hillary Clinton’s two-stepping bathroom break in the middle of the most recent Democrat TV debate, even highlighting her refusal to use the large, multi-stalled john while another woman was in there emptying her own bladder.
But that’s nothing more than a drop in the bucket, according to Dr. I.P. Freely, Chief Urologist of the Pittsburgh Institute of Urological Continence. “There’s bigger fish to fry,” he asserts in an essay published Monday in Squirt, the Journal of Prostate Science.
“It’s not a matter of Mrs. Clinton’s bladder-shyness and reticence to urinate in the company of others,” Freely argues. “Nor is it a question of her inability to quickly zip up, so to speak. Rather, the question that must be asked is, How come she can’t hold it in for a couple of hours?”
The well respected urologist makes the point that a normal person should be able to clear his or her bladder five minutes before a two-hour televised debate and at the very least hold out on a second clearing until after the post-debate interviews. “In Mrs. Clinton’s case,” the distinguished surgeon writes, “it’s plain as day that her inability to hold her water is due to an enlarged prostate pressing firmly against and constricting her bladder.”
Which is quite common, Freely admits, in nearly 98.7% of all males in their 60s and 70s, the age when an enlarged prostate forces an elderly gent to get out of bed two or three times a night and stumble in the dark to the bathroom to relieve the pressure.
The real problem for an American president, Dr. Freely contends, comes not from an inconsequential midnight or mid-debate bathroom break, but from the weakness of a bladder-challenged president trying to compete with hardnosed world leaders like Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-un or Che Guevara.
“Imagine her sitting down with one of them in negotiations,” he said in a phone interview. “And she’s gotta go like a racehorse. She’s sitting there crossing and uncrossing her legs, back and forth, left and right, twitching and turning in her seat. Putin’s not going to ease up and let her take a potty break, and when you’ve got to go that badly you’re going to give away the farm just for some relief.”
The eminent urologist recommends that the 68-year-old presidential hopeful have her troubling prostate removed in a simple outpatient procedure. “It’s covered by Obamacare,” he assures us. “So are the weekly testosterone replacement shots she’ll have to get.”
Should Mrs. Clinton decline the surgery, Freely suggests that she stock up on adult diapers for the upcoming debates. A case of Depends goes for about forty-three bucks at Costco.